You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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