need another drink. this is the easiest way
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
