So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
