I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
