Pappa wants mamma naked
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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