I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
