We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
