Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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