So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
