I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
