Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
