Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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