Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
