i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
