**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is my gift to your gina
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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