Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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