If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
