When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
