I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
