if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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