Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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