i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
