if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
