Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
