You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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