In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize