I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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