totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
