My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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