I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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