i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
