apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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