dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
