I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
