Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
