sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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