if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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