I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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