his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
