You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
