rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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