I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
