if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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