I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
