He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
