like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize