I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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