I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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