I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
