ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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