Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
