That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
