1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
