How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
