I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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