atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
