feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
